We've all been there: the moment when someone close to us opens up about something difficult or distressing. Our instinct is often to jump in with advice, solutions, or words meant to soothe. We want to fix it, to make the pain go away. But how often do we find that our well-intentioned responses actually make things better?
In reality, they often don’t. Instead, what truly helps is connection.
When we rush to fix or solve, we unintentionally shift the focus away from the person who is hurting and onto our own need to alleviate discomfort—both theirs and our own. We start analyzing, judging, or trying to find the "right" thing to say. But in doing so, we miss the opportunity to connect on a deeper level.
Staying out of Judgment
Let’s be honest: judgment comes naturally to most of us. We hear someone’s story and, almost without thinking, begin to assess it through our own lens. But judgment creates distance. It tells the other person, "I see you, but only through my filters."
What if, instead of judging, we embraced curiosity? What if we tried to understand that someone else’s perception is their reality? This doesn’t mean we have to agree with everything we hear. It means we acknowledge that their experience is valid, even if it’s different from our own. When we can do this, we create a space where connection can thrive.
The Danger of "At Least”
In our desire to help, we sometimes offer comments like, "At least it wasn’t worse," or "At least you still have…." These "at least" statements may seem like a way to find the silver lining, but they can be deeply harmful. When we say "at least," we inadvertently minimize the other person's pain, suggesting that their feelings aren’t fully justified.
Imagine sharing your sorrow, only to be met with, "At least it wasn’t that bad." The intention might be to comfort, but the effect is often the opposite—it can make the person feel misunderstood and alone in their suffering. Instead of seeking the silver lining, try simply being present with their pain. Acknowledge it without trying to soften it. This validates their experience and shows that you’re truly listening.
Empathy
Many believe that empathy requires shared experience—that to truly understand, you must have walked in the same shoes. But empathy isn’t about the exact situation; it’s about the emotion behind it.
We don’t need to have gone through the same challenges to connect with someone’s pain, fear, or joy. What we do need is to reach inside ourselves and connect with a similar emotion.
Maybe you’ve never experienced a particular loss, but you’ve known grief. Perhaps you haven’t felt the same fear, but you’ve experienced anxiety. By tapping into these emotions within us, we can meet the other person where they are.
Seeing Others by Seeing Ourselves
At the heart of connection is the simple truth that we all want to be seen and heard. But to truly see others, we must first see ourselves. This means being present in our bodies, acknowledging our own emotions, and allowing them to guide us in connecting with others. When we stay outside of our bodies, in "fix-it" mode, we miss this opportunity.
We remain detached, operating from a place of logic rather than emotion. But when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to feel alongside someone else, we open the door to true connection.
The Power of Connection
The next time you find yourself on the other half of a hard conversation, try this: instead of reaching for solutions, reach for connection. Stay out of judgment, avoid the "at least" trap, connect with the emotion within you, and allow yourself to truly see the other person. You may not fix their problem, but you’ll offer something far more powerful—a genuine connection that can comfort, heal, and strengthen the bond between you. In the end, it’s not our words or solutions that make the biggest difference, but the shared experience of being fully present with another human being.
Ashley Breland - Counsellor/Owner Breland Counselling & Support
306.988.2215
Instagram: @ashley_theboundarycounsellor @brelandcounselling
Ashley is a compassionate social worker and counsellor committed to a fat-positive and body-neutral approach. She helps individuals stand confidently in their own power. As a proud Métis individual, Ashley is the Owner of Breland Counselling & Consulting, a practice that stands for inclusivity, empowerment, and thoughtful care. Breland Counselling is dedicated to creating a supportive environment where clients feel respected and heard, promoting mental health and well-being through personalized and culturally sensitive counselling services.
Her online presence focuses on the importance of healthy boundaries, the impact of violating them, and the positive changes they can bring. By encouraging discussions about empowerment and self-preservation, Ashley emphasizes how crucial boundaries are for personal well-being and strong relationships.
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