Trigger Warning - suicidal thoughts
Hi, my name is Angela Gehl. I am 44 years old, a successful entrepreneur of multiple
businesses, a single mom to three busy and amazing children, a Doctoral Candidate
and I have Zero F*cks to give. You may know me as “The Medium”, or “Angela the
Psychic” with over thirty thousand followers and counting.
If you would have met me in 2022, you would have seen a woman trying to do it all.
People used to say I was wonder woman. How can you do it? They would ask. I was
stressed, unhappy, an insomniac who was anxiety ridden, and was the definition of
a people pleaser. I wanted to be everything to everyone and it was killing me. I needed to
perform and jump for everyone to make sure I made them happy. I was slowly dying
inside.
I was not only unable to live up to the expectations I set for myself, but I would over
commit and let others down as well. There was a point that year, that I would pray at
night asking to die in my sleep so I wouldn’t have to face another day. If I am being
perfectly honest, I would often fantasize about how amazing it would be to kill myself
and end it all.
One night while doing my nightly ritual of soaking in the tub and crying my eyes out I
came to the realization that no one actually cared about me. My value to them was
only what I could do for them, and what I attached to myself. I cared so much about
everything and everyone, and I was completely replaceable and forgettable to most.
The only people who truly mattered were my kids, and myself. In the depths of
depression and burn out I realized... I was out of F*cks to give, and in that broken
moment I felt freedom.
With my new found epiphany still rolling around in my brain, I started saying no.
Boundary Setting. Who knew how easy that actually was. I stopped replying to texts
immediately, and did so when I felt like it. Same with emails. I stopped saying yes to
work when I wanted to say no. I stopped following people on social media who didn’t
matter to me. I was out of F*cks and I felt wonderful.
I applied to a doctoral program and told no one. If you don’t tell people your plans they
can’t say anything negative or try to dissuade you. I made it my mission to cut out and
cut off the nay sayers and gossips. I put energy only into two things: things that made
me money and things and people who bring me joy. Nothing else mattered. You see... I
had made a deal with myself, to keep myself alive long enough get my kids through
high school. It was the deal I had made with the devil known as depression, to keep
those dark thoughts from winning. Once I ran out if F*cks, I realized that I had so much
to live for, and I can honestly say that I no longer think of myself as a failure, a loser,
and a life not worth living. I can see myself being that crazy old Gramma with a million
stories, and being someone my children admire.
(To note: I still take antidepressants
and go to therapy regularly as apart of taking care of my mental health)
Fast forward a few years and I am still out of F*cks, and so happy not to have even
one to give. Creating boundaries for myself gave me peace, joy, and my life back.
Those who matter make time for me and I do for them. Those who don’t, do not have
access to me, and no longer occupy any real estate in my brain. I enjoy working with
my clients and building my businesses, and love the peace that cutting off people who
don’t really matter has brought me. I am quietly achieving my goals, and truly have
never been happier.
If I could offer one piece of advice to those reading this who struggle like I did...stop
giving a fuck, and I promise your life will improve. Mine did.
If you would like to work with me you can visit my website at www.angelagehl.ca
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